I think

the hardest bad habits to break are the ones that involve emotional change.

I usually speak to my mother in very impatient tones. No matter how casual or small the topic may be, I just cannot seem to change my tone. It’s a kind of language honed since young to avoid conversation and conflict. It’s truly hard. Which is why I can never really talk to her. Since almost every conversation I’ve had with her since I was young usually starts with a shout and ends with the door slamming.

I suppose I was a difficult child to get through to, which resulted in an angsty adolescent and now I am someone who enjoys being alone in a peaceful and quiet environment above all others. I admit I never cultivated my social butterfly gene. I hate small talk and pretentious people. I am extremely selective with my circle of friends and I divide my time methodically. I don’t enjoy meeting people I find have no impact on my life; and I refuse people the time of day if I am unwilling to be a part of theirs. Basically, I am anti-social when it comes to unfamiliar people.

The other social part of me flourishes when I’m with close companions. I love being the life of the party. I love playing the fool. I become fiercely talkative and funny. I found comfort in dividing people up into the familiar and unfamiliar, and rarely does the two circles cross paths. And I liked it that way.

After doing training and being forced to interact with people in many ways, I’ve found the unfamiliar and familiar crossing paths a lot. Clients become friends that I love hanging out with. I have to learn to be comfortable around strangers within minutes of the first meeting. I learn to make appropriate small talk which grows into lengthy conversations. And I’ve found that being sincere is the most important key to great communication; I can literally feel my sincerity bouncing off people, which is an amazing revelation.

Which made me think of how I speak to my mother.

I have no idea why if I can learn to talk sincerely with strangers, why I can’t do that with my own mother. If I can find it in me to be extremely patient with my clients, why doesn’t that extend to my own family. It’s an on-going struggle where I’ve learnt so much about myself. It’s truly difficult, but I believe it’s not impossible. I am sure one day I’ll be able to break this bad habit - at least now there’s no more slamming doors. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

~ by seow on July 1, 2008.